Tuesday, 20 September 2016

5 people you meet at ATM queues

Whether or not you live in a developed country or a third world country, queues are a part of everyday life you just have to experience, regardless of social status. Except you are a high ranking person of authority or you have personal assistants who see to such tasks that require them, queues are inescapable in the Homo sapiens universe.
If the queue is long enough as they seldom are, there’s bound to be some drama. Drama ensues anywhere men/women congregate. ATM queues are particularly special for this singular reason; anyone can get on them these days. It’s this unique denominator which makes ATM queues especially interesting.

When you’re last on the ATM queue at FirstBank

Amongst the Toms, Dicks and Harry ATM queues attract, there’s a likelihood that you’ll get to meet 5 types of individuals. Depending on what kind of person you are yourself, these people may cause you to either endure or enjoy your time at the ATM.
Let’s take a look at them.

1. ITKs
They walk in confidently surrounded by a pervading aura that screams ‘I own the place’. They speak to no one on the queue (maybe a nod to no one in particular if they’re feeling generous) and occupy the vacant ATM slot everyone is ignoring. After fiddling unsuccessfully with a machine obviously (except to them) enjoying temporary leave from diarrhoea, they exit the ATM booth and take a long look at the queue. It is at this moment that either shame or pride will make a pivotal decision for them─ join the queue or leave.

ITK moment of truth

2. Sloths
Odds are you’ll meet a sloth 3 times out of 5 that you visit an ATM. They are extra special beings and if you’ve met one you’ll agree they’re wired differently. Sloths live as though they run on unlimited time. If you still don’t get who/what sloths are, do check out Zootopia or watch the video below.

This is a summary of what they do at ATMs;

a. Get into the ATM cubicle
b. Insert card
c. Bring out a paper from somewhere in a wallet/book
d. Unfold it to view card pin
e. Read instructions on ATM screen
f. Input card pin
Are you still reading??
g. Read new instructions on ATM screen
h. Check account balance
i. Collect receipt and throw away
j. Remove card
k. Insert card again
l. Repeat a-g and select ‘Withdrawal’
m. Collect receipt and throw away
You’re either enjoying this or getting slightly angry.
n. Collect money
o. Remove card
p. Insert card (for the second ‘again’)
q. Repeat a-g and check account balance
r. Collect receipt and throw away
s. Collect card and exit ATM booth
Even if you’re usually a tolerant person, sloths will test your limits. Some sloths aren’t tech savvy at all and are too distrustful of others to ask for help. As such they end up spending far too much time in the booth doing nothing. Sloths often close their performances at ATM queues with a smile or uneasy laughter to the chagrin of fellow ATM users. So, watch out for the smile when next you’re with a sloth at the ATM.

3. Jumpers
If you’ve seen the 2008 Doug Liman flick by the same name, you’ve probably connected the dots as to who jumpers are. They are impatient by nature and constantly seek avenues to outsmart others at ATM queues. They breeze in exhibiting ‘I-can’t-wait’ airs and constantly flit around queues like horny male ─sorry guys─ hummingbirds. Friendly jumpers are the types who always have interesting stories.
My bus at the park is about leaving…”
“…you won’t believe I was at X bank for an hour yet the ATM eventually didn’t dispense…”
These jumpers often get their way. On the flipside though, some are downright rude and condescending. I once met a rude jumper at an ATM queue. He got down from his car, ignored the long queue of heads and skipped into the nearest usable booth as it was being exited. That guy’s jazz was strong mehn! It took everyone at least 30 seconds to find their voice but by then his card was in the ATM’s buka cavity. His story was that he was an Honourable and couldn’t join queues. Hmm, anyway, he left there a disHonourable but with his money in his wallet.
Although it happened at a buka (buka queues are something else!), a close friend shared his experience at the hands of a jumper. The lady (jumpers come in all sizes and gender, lol) came out of nowhere and because in her mind her story was obvious, she went directly to the front of the queue to tender her food flask. Without greeting a soul! Her story? She was a pregnant woman.
My friend, who was last on queue, simply told the buka attendant she’d have to attend to him before the jumper woman. He said people with him on the queue told him he wasn’t nice. I don’t agree with them but I’ll leave y’all to judge.

4. Professionals
If you are ever on a queue you’ll pray (let’s assume you do) to be behind them because they’re super-efficient at conducting their bi’ness*. The best news is that they’re the most common types you’ll meet at ATM queues. In and out, they’ll spend a minute tops. But before you go get your dancing shoes to celebrate, hol’ up and read on. The flipside to the ingenuity of professionals is that once in a blue moon they bungle things; like forgetting their cards in the machine or typing the wrong pin several times.

The ATM swallowed my card…

More haste, less speed I guess. If I were to ask right now to which group you belong, I’m sure you’d say ‘professionals’. Calm down and read on though. There’s one more group to go.

5. Escorts
Pretty certain these people have an association where they meet weekly or bi-weekly to plan strategy and stuff. I say this because their mannerisms are the most symmetrical.
You may find one on queue only to discover later he’s been ghosting for the real ATM user. It’s annoying on a very personal level much like how hard-core Ronaldo fans detest Nani. Then, there are also escorts who think they’re comedians and people on the ATM queue are actually fans who came to see their show. So, out of generosity they dole out free samplings of recycled jokes. You’ll hear;
No money, no money, atm queue no dey finish!”
Bankers be winch o! With this sweet, sweet krrr krrr wey dey their atm, pesin go don withdraw money finish for account before he know o!”

If you’re fortunate though, you’ll meet a very talented escort comedian that’ll make your trip to the ATM unforgettable.
Now that you know all this, do you still think you’re a ‘professional’?

Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, 2 August 2016


We dance mindlessly in adversity’s face
sweat bodies; gyrating contortions of enraptured frenzy
Raucous voices raised in “Olodumare” cries
We sing mockery, fearlessly
Notes daubed in fear-killing satires‎
This revelry amidst‎ mystic oppression
The sheer dare-devilry!
Our vocal behinds in the faces of dissenting gods;
Cosmic elements tickled to see us suffer
With our dusty feet trample
Paint-caked palms crash
Like warriors of old, chanting
There will be no peace
For god, man: oppressor
Long as we breathe, this song will we sing
This dance we will dance
For now we understand
As our Ancestors did
This heart is a fragile thing
And a little deceit is good for it

Monday, 11 July 2016

Marvel as The Avengers’ real origins are explained

If you’re an avid marvel fan you’re probably wondering if there’s anything valuable or new to be learnt here today, if this is a troll post or maybe I need help. There’s only one thing I'm going to tell you; for the sake knowledge, shed everything you think you know. At this point, you are a tabular rasa in Marvel lore. Everything here is based on an alternate universe’ Yoruba creationist mythology and history.
Try to relax okay?
Let’s dig in.

1. Thor
You know him as a god or demigod from Asgard bla, bla, bullshit. Lies.
His real moniker is Sango*. Demigod turned god. And he breathes fire like a dragon too.
Mjolnir? — is really called Ake.

2. Ironman

Witty billionaire guy full of sarcastic one-liners and endless repartees? Spark any ideas?
Ironman? No.
Metal man? No. 

Yoruba god of iron — Ogun, ring a bell?. Yes. Go figure. 

How does a god go from god-hood to just a man in an iron suit though? Sheer disrespect Marvel. Sheer disrespect. 
If you know your Yoruba mythology very well then you already know who this dude is portraying. For those who don’t know, a little hint: notice in most Yoruba flicks, when people are confused they go to seek a particular ‘Oracle’?
Still don’t know?! *rme* IFA ffs!
Now you've made me swear…

I had to do a little bit of extended research to find this one. This dude has a bad habit of vanishing; (they’re still looking for him at MCU) his background history inclusive. Anyway, he first came to popularity (or is it notoriety?) when he was promoted by famed literati D.O. Fagunwa in his thrilling Yoruba novel “Ogboju ode ninu igbo irunmale”. His real name is ‘Kako onikumo ekun’ and no, his skin wasn't green though it had a funny colour. Sorry no pictures. Told you about his penchant for vanishing.

LOL. Really?
This dude was taken from West Africa during the slave trade era. Kept underground with other slaves throughout the long treacherous sojourn over the transatlantic, underfed; managed to survive where thousands died like flies (there’s something about ‘died like flies’ that I like. It rhymes). He emerged from it all still resolute and fighting his captors although weakened and emaciated.
Steve Rogers? Hell no! He was black with an African name. Real name was Kunta Kunte. Sorry, real name is. He’s still out there somewhere. Notice the White Steve Rogers was emaciated as well? To be fair, have you ever seen an emaciated White man??? Even in pictures? There you have it.

So KK with his characteristic resilience, bodily emaciation, and revolutionary outlook was the perfect specimen for the super soldier programme. Whether he later had a case of vitiligo after he was christened Steve Rogers I cannot say.

Have you seen ‘Aje ni iya m… *sorry* Aje ni iya e?’
No? Go and see it. She wuz dere.
I don’t know her original name yet but I discovered she hails from Akoko-edo, the Yoruba speaking part of present day Edo state (Aje po nibe yen mehn! Green-witch o! White-witch o! Witches plenty there! Chai!). Doesn't it make sense that there’d be a scarlet one too?

She’s so powerful that she can fake reality such that we now think she’s white and from an European country. Well played Scarlet, well played.

7. T’Challa
At least they got this dude right. Thanks Marvel. You must have wondered where in present day Africa Wakanda is located though. Unfortunately, you will never find it. Because there is no Wakanda: there is only Akanda, Abule Akanda; precisely- The Village of Mystery. You will also never find this village because it keeps moving and changing its location. So, sorry, no jetting off to Akanda for sightseeing. This was the last recorded sighting of Akanda.

That’s that for now.

The End.

Hahaha… waiting for the usual post-credit takeaway eh?

Okay. Let me indulge you. Spiderman is actually a very popular Yoruba wrestler who is famous for never having had his back to the ground. Watch out for Marvel’s Spiderman: Homecoming. Lots of easter eggs there for you as to his real origins. But it’s there only for those who can see. Till then…

The real Spiderman will return!


Tuesday, 5 April 2016

APC Country, PDP People.

It is irritating to no end to observe the APC-PDP back and forth on any media. Like competing sales marketers under commission, the objective is to sell and outdo the other camp; irrespective of technique, ethics or integrity.

As a people, we’re constantly being reprogrammed anew to think along divisive lines. Before analysing situations it is common for us to input irrelevant data into our thought matrix which almost always necessitates an arrival at illogical conclusions.

Tribe, religion, party and other affiliations are our foremost considerations when deciding if to criticize or defend ideals, actions, or persons. A typical example is the ‘They-are-against-us-because-we-are-from-this-area’ mentality. The puppeteers pulling our strings know the science behind our bias and don’t hesitate to use it to attain their selfish ends. Whether fuel is scarce or not, traffic cold or hot, they hardly feel the pinch.
Remember, there’s no go-slow in the skies, it’s me and you who suffer down here.

It is good to make banter and parodies of our situation because let’s face it we are in a pretty ugly mess and we need the comedy in order to stay sane. However, we need to be wary of some certain ‘experts’ who feed by disseminating apocrypha and passing them off as learned views. These individuals are easy to spot and some of their major attributes are listed below:
Ø Their analyses are designed to score points for one camp or the other
Ø They never follow their criticisms with solutions/suggestions
Ø They hardly have facts to support their claims
Ø Their criticisms are mostly limited to 140 characters
Ø Most of them are paid to mud-sling (throw shade)
Ø Most do not understand what is really going on and do not care to find out

The above should suffice in identifying 140 character pundits and similar entities wherever they might exist.
Now, I'm not of the opinion that criticism is bad. That would negate the very tenets of the democratic system which I staunchly believe in. On the contrary, this is an advocacy for informed criticism which is like a modern day unicorn in these parts. 

Fuel is scarce. Dollar is high. No electricity. Traffic is crazy. And then the next thing you see is:
PDP camp: Here is the change you were promised. At least, during GEJ’s time dollar never got this high.
APC camp: See, this is not our fault. We met this mess here and never expected it to be this bad.
This gets me shaking my head literally every time.

I believe majority of Nigerians want good roads devoid of traffic, stable electricity, affordable and available fuel, healthcare as well as other basic amenities of life. I would like to also believe we do not yearn for hospitals catering to PDP/APC members only, schools for Yoruba’s only or malls for Christians only. I believe most of us want the same things. To share and live together in this ideal called Nigeria. This is my fantasy and if you believe in it, it makes both of us patriots.
So should we play our nation away like Baba Ijebu? Should we trade our country for personal satisfaction or monetary gain? Should we repeat the same complaints all the time?
I say ‘NO’.

Several times I've had cause to discuss the polity with certain people (especially ‘educated’ youths) and I keep discovering a pattern: we keep complaining about the same things, we’re too ‘busy’ (reading gossip blogs) to find out why we keep facing the same challenges or to create solutions to them; having a belief that whatever this party does can’t be good because I like the other party. This is a destructive mind-set for the people of any nation to have. There’s virtually no way sustainable progress can be achieved because we are already primed saboteurs to one another.

While I am not an expert on American democracy, I'm near certain theirs has evolved beyond the type of destructive tit for tat politics we’re fond of here. As patriots, we owe it to our conscience, our children, our legacy to become interested and involved in national issues trying as much as we can to be impartial in analysis and criticism.

Like I told people repeatedly after the last elections, ‘forget campaign promises, Nigeria’s problems aren't the kind an easy fix will solve’. Our core concerns need long term solutions and this means more suffering. It means sacrifice and pain. I am not concerned about which party is making the necessary change; my business is in the job getting done.

So if any APC apologist shows you a picture of a completed project and emphatically credits the APC government, tell him/her that public office is a service and not a favour. It is their duty to serve and not a privilege.
Or if any PDP apologist starts a ‘no fuel, no light’ chant, don’t just jump on the band. Find out why first. Having facts at hand will help you provide informed criticism and enlighten so many uninformed Nigerians.

A lot of Nigerians don’t know why the Dollar is high, why fuel is repeatedly scarce, the reason for the epileptic power, and the unbearable heat. If we as ‘educated’ youths can use channels like the internet, radio, TV etc. to follow up on the latest gist, post and download pictures/videos; it shouldn't be too much of a bother to use the same media to obtain and disseminate correct and unbiased information about national issues. It is understandable if we do not have access to these channels but we do. So please let’s use them.

To use the Frank Donga’s famous words, ‘lezz stop the merry-go-rounding please’. It’s high time we laid this us versus them mentality to rest. This is not a football tournament where one side has to lose and go home. This is our home and we can all win.

Valar Dohaeris.

God bless Nigeria.

Sunday, 6 March 2016

God. Who?

Would you serve God if Hell didn’t exist?
If you are the type with zero tolerance for this sort of ‘loose’ thinking euphemistically labelled ‘free thinking’, you probably have me tagged already as a troublemaker for posing this question let alone thinking it. You’re probably also convinced I’m bound for the hottest parts of Hades.
Maybe you are right. Anyway, lets allow God be the judge of that, shall we?

World religions generally follow an identical system of rules and principles based on reward for good behaviour and the opposite for misconduct. Whatever the label, the underlying concept remains the same: ‘Heaven’ for the goodly and ‘Hell’ for the erring; Earth automatically acquiring the intermediate status of a ‘Middle Earth’ [pun intended] like processing hub/orb where the chaff gets trashed.

This tit for tat dynamic I would like to tag the ‘bogeyman effect’ is uncannily omnipresent in human structures everywhere on the planet: in schools, the workplace, relationships, society as a whole. It’s the standard to train the world, maintain normalcy and sustain civilisation as we have it and it starts with telling every child a bedtime story about the bogeyman…

Even with this tried and trusted system, we still have delinquents; societal misfits etc. who somehow hack around the bogeyman effect and go against society. However alarming this might be from time to time, it is reassuring that such a structure is existent.
Basically, the ‘Devil’ is the afterlife’s bogeyman and Hell is his place where those who have angered God will go.
It is an overarchingly nice proposition and by design structured to cause a reasonable deficit for the Devil.I especially get riled up when I read of or listen to preaching along the lines of hell, brimstone, and damnation. From experience, such preachers and preaching have little to do with a God of love or forgiveness and more to do with fear of an unforgiving megalomaniac being. Such experiences always leave me wondering about God and Hell; love and fear.
Questions like: ‘would mankind serve God without the threat of hell fire?’
‘Is love greater than fear?’
‘Does hell exist?’
‘Is there a God somewhere just waiting to put his creations in it?’
Questions I still don’t have conclusive answers to.
Maybe like the Jedi saying ‘There are questions to which we can never have answers. We can only be answers’ and we have to die a ‘death’ to unravel these mysteries.
To attempt the first question above, in all fairness I think if I would serve a God at all without the threat of Hell, it would be way different. Less routine and more similar to plain adoration than what is currently de rigueur. All this is hypothetical, don’t take me serious please.

I think the brimstone brand of every religion while effective in enshrining a bogeyman culture and training adherents to conform inadvertently breeds overzealousness, religious intolerance, and fanaticism. My sentiments on this is simple; ‘God’s not dead. If you have to fight for your God, there’s need to rethink who is creator and who is creation’.

In submission, I believe the entity God is many and the same thing: Nature, The Big Bang, The Cosmic energy physicists study; The Life biologists continuously attempt to decipher, God is us.

Yet the God of the Old Testament, The Quran, New Testament; Supreme Deities worshipped by our ancestors etc. may be near impossible or difficult to reconcile with the neo-God we now serve due to obvious and gaping dissimilarities. So, does God change over the times or has God changed?

Forgive my manners but I may need to employ some question dodging here by answering the above question with another which is ‘Do humans change?’

If your answer is the same as mine, perhaps it may be safe to infer that humans over the ages have been serving the same entity and possibly due to alterations in their cognitive, intuitive and intellectual composition evolved varying perceptions of the said being, recorded this in scriptures and unwittingly created the many-faced god [again, pun intended] we currently know.

Thanks for reading.
Valar Morghulis.