Tuesday, 20 September 2016

5 people you meet at ATM queues

Whether or not you live in a developed country or a third world country, queues are a part of everyday life you just have to experience, regardless of social status. Except you are a high ranking person of authority or you have personal assistants who see to such tasks that require them, queues are inescapable in the Homo sapiens universe.
If the queue is long enough as they seldom are, there’s bound to be some drama. Drama ensues anywhere men/women congregate. ATM queues are particularly special for this singular reason; anyone can get on them these days. It’s this unique denominator which makes ATM queues especially interesting.

When you’re last on the ATM queue at FirstBank

Amongst the Toms, Dicks and Harry ATM queues attract, there’s a likelihood that you’ll get to meet 5 types of individuals. Depending on what kind of person you are yourself, these people may cause you to either endure or enjoy your time at the ATM.
Let’s take a look at them.

1. ITKs
They walk in confidently surrounded by a pervading aura that screams ‘I own the place’. They speak to no one on the queue (maybe a nod to no one in particular if they’re feeling generous) and occupy the vacant ATM slot everyone is ignoring. After fiddling unsuccessfully with a machine obviously (except to them) enjoying temporary leave from diarrhoea, they exit the ATM booth and take a long look at the queue. It is at this moment that either shame or pride will make a pivotal decision for them─ join the queue or leave.

ITK moment of truth

2. Sloths
Odds are you’ll meet a sloth 3 times out of 5 that you visit an ATM. They are extra special beings and if you’ve met one you’ll agree they’re wired differently. Sloths live as though they run on unlimited time. If you still don’t get who/what sloths are, do check out Zootopia or watch the video below.

This is a summary of what they do at ATMs;

a. Get into the ATM cubicle
b. Insert card
c. Bring out a paper from somewhere in a wallet/book
d. Unfold it to view card pin
e. Read instructions on ATM screen
f. Input card pin
Are you still reading??
g. Read new instructions on ATM screen
h. Check account balance
i. Collect receipt and throw away
j. Remove card
k. Insert card again
l. Repeat a-g and select ‘Withdrawal’
m. Collect receipt and throw away
You’re either enjoying this or getting slightly angry.
n. Collect money
o. Remove card
p. Insert card (for the second ‘again’)
q. Repeat a-g and check account balance
r. Collect receipt and throw away
s. Collect card and exit ATM booth
Even if you’re usually a tolerant person, sloths will test your limits. Some sloths aren’t tech savvy at all and are too distrustful of others to ask for help. As such they end up spending far too much time in the booth doing nothing. Sloths often close their performances at ATM queues with a smile or uneasy laughter to the chagrin of fellow ATM users. So, watch out for the smile when next you’re with a sloth at the ATM.

3. Jumpers
If you’ve seen the 2008 Doug Liman flick by the same name, you’ve probably connected the dots as to who jumpers are. They are impatient by nature and constantly seek avenues to outsmart others at ATM queues. They breeze in exhibiting ‘I-can’t-wait’ airs and constantly flit around queues like horny male ─sorry guys─ hummingbirds. Friendly jumpers are the types who always have interesting stories.
My bus at the park is about leaving…”
“…you won’t believe I was at X bank for an hour yet the ATM eventually didn’t dispense…”
These jumpers often get their way. On the flipside though, some are downright rude and condescending. I once met a rude jumper at an ATM queue. He got down from his car, ignored the long queue of heads and skipped into the nearest usable booth as it was being exited. That guy’s jazz was strong mehn! It took everyone at least 30 seconds to find their voice but by then his card was in the ATM’s buka cavity. His story was that he was an Honourable and couldn’t join queues. Hmm, anyway, he left there a disHonourable but with his money in his wallet.
Although it happened at a buka (buka queues are something else!), a close friend shared his experience at the hands of a jumper. The lady (jumpers come in all sizes and gender, lol) came out of nowhere and because in her mind her story was obvious, she went directly to the front of the queue to tender her food flask. Without greeting a soul! Her story? She was a pregnant woman.
My friend, who was last on queue, simply told the buka attendant she’d have to attend to him before the jumper woman. He said people with him on the queue told him he wasn’t nice. I don’t agree with them but I’ll leave y’all to judge.

4. Professionals
If you are ever on a queue you’ll pray (let’s assume you do) to be behind them because they’re super-efficient at conducting their bi’ness*. The best news is that they’re the most common types you’ll meet at ATM queues. In and out, they’ll spend a minute tops. But before you go get your dancing shoes to celebrate, hol’ up and read on. The flipside to the ingenuity of professionals is that once in a blue moon they bungle things; like forgetting their cards in the machine or typing the wrong pin several times.

The ATM swallowed my card…

More haste, less speed I guess. If I were to ask right now to which group you belong, I’m sure you’d say ‘professionals’. Calm down and read on though. There’s one more group to go.

5. Escorts
Pretty certain these people have an association where they meet weekly or bi-weekly to plan strategy and stuff. I say this because their mannerisms are the most symmetrical.
You may find one on queue only to discover later he’s been ghosting for the real ATM user. It’s annoying on a very personal level much like how hard-core Ronaldo fans detest Nani. Then, there are also escorts who think they’re comedians and people on the ATM queue are actually fans who came to see their show. So, out of generosity they dole out free samplings of recycled jokes. You’ll hear;
No money, no money, atm queue no dey finish!”
Bankers be winch o! With this sweet, sweet krrr krrr wey dey their atm, pesin go don withdraw money finish for account before he know o!”

If you’re fortunate though, you’ll meet a very talented escort comedian that’ll make your trip to the ATM unforgettable.
Now that you know all this, do you still think you’re a ‘professional’?

Thanks for reading.

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